Squiggly me

The ups and downs of an emotional system

It starts with frenetic buzzing and a resistance to being alone. My eyes won’t focus yet I fixate on insignificant things. Let’s explore this rabbit hole and explain it to at least five people. Let’s make plans, then more plans, and stay up late because the desire for sleep has lost its usually-strong pull.

The extra energy can be fun for a few days, until it won’t stop. I can’t stop it, and that’s when I know things are off. I’m hovering well above baseline in a land that is sometimes called anxiety and sometimes hypomania—language that feels nearly as restrictive as the space.¹ Either way, trapped like a fly who can’t find the open window.

I was there again recently, the first time in a while. I could sense I was out of control. I watched my fingers move across the keyboard as if they belonged to someone else. I sent angry texts to avoidant men when they didn’t do what I wanted. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, just that I felt bad and didn’t know why.

It’s been so long since I’ve acted like this. How I imagine the goddess Kali feels when depicted in a fit of rage. Her tongue hangs wildly as she tramples and ravages with a garland of severed heads around her neck.

Kali the Destroyer

The thing about Kali is, she’s frequently misunderstood.² Search the internet for “Kali standing on Shiva’s body” and you’ll find parables about how only a man is capable of subduing his rampaging goddess wife. How only her husband can quiet her rage and, once he does so, she feels shame for having been so out of control.

That’s what some reddit posters say, at least.

It’s been over a decade since I studied Hinduism and am hesitant to write a treatise on Kali. It’s fair to say she’s a complex figure. An alternate theory for why she stands atop Shiva is that her rage brings him back from the dead. Her rage contains the force of the universe—she is fearsome but also, according to some, the mother of the world.

∆ ∆ ∆

By the end of last week, my intensity subsided. I had good conversations and hugs. I remembered how it feels to be in my body and how to get there faster next time.

Each cycle improves. The awareness, the recovery, the acceptance of how this system tends to work.

Kali is often misunderstood. It’s not only that she needs Shiva to break her out of her mania. Shiva needs her, too. The world needs her. She is the universal mother, complete in all her rage and savagery.

What I can do is better utilize that rage. Channel it instead of letting it seep out unguided.

I picture my emotional register as a squiggle atop a static baseline. As much as I try to remain close to level, I’ll inevitably end up below the line in depression and above it in anxiety or mania.

She’s sweet but a psycho ☺

That’s okay. It’s okay to be fearsome. It’s okay to have moods and emotions and let your squiggle roam far and wide. Acceptance is the first step on any path toward meaningful change.

It’s also okay to recognize when we want something different. As I wrote about just over a year ago, I’m finally on medication. The extremes have lessened in both directions and for that, I’m grateful.

Mania, even mild, is not fun (for me at least). I’ve always been more comfortable on the low side, despite the sadness and overwhelm it brings. There’s something about the higher register that makes me impervious to emotion, as if the buzzing takes up too much space. It’s dangerous and can lead to dangerous choices. It was scary to be back there again recently and feel out of control.

It was scary to remember how often I used to feel that way. A cycle of dysregulation. Despite hating the feeling, I was grateful for the perspective it brought. A signifier of the progress I’ve made in understanding myself.

The manic side of me always thinks up new projects. What if I categorize all of my vessels posts in a line from depressive to manic? What if I make a better system for tracking my daily emotional mark?

But… no. Current projects seek enough attention at this point. We must water the plants we have.

One good thing this week was writing dystopian flash fiction. I’ll let you know if it makes it into the world.

More or less in my body again now, I wish you similar peace. Music helps. Dancing helps. Hugging helps. Writing helps… except when I’m too dysregulated to write and try writing about not being able to write and send it to hundreds (888! auspicious!) of people. That one, dear readers, didn’t help. Sorry.

And now, another day. Despair only goes so far. I’m sick of many things and don’t have answers for how to move forward. That’s okay. We can go slow. We can sit and listen and see what emerges from the noise. What do the trees have to say? I wonder. Tell me if you find out?

Collage as emotional chaos

Love ♡

1. Disclaimer #1: This discussion isn’t particularly about diagnoses. I ask for grace as I speak from experience without the need to categorize it.

2. Disclaimer #2: I may also misunderstand Kali. Again, I ask for grace plus any well-intentioned education you may have.