my journey with substance use, mental health, and medication has been an arduous one--to say the very least. i avoided medication with a fierceness for a while and did finally get medicated in early 2020. i'm not the most diligent about taking my medication and eventually the first med i got prescribed just stopped working the way i needed it to.
in march, i had a very debilitating ocd spiral alongside processing some extreme trauma i had gone through without even having time to process that what i went through *was* trauma. when my ocd gets bad so does my depression. so, after a frenzied call to my psychiatrist while at work i got new meds. i finally got a therapist. and things have finally gotten better. i have good days and i have bad days, but i'm able to see my way through the bad days in ways i hadn't before.
all this to say: i see you. i support you. and if you ever need an ear, i'm here to listen. navigating mental health is hard enough, nobody should have to do it alone. amazing work as always!!
I was in ER on Friday night (Covid, GI issues). Pretty standard for them to go thru your med history but I was a bit surprised since I hadn't been part of this medical system for 5 years. Regardless, the nurse said something like, "so you still have depression" - more as a fact than a question. What? Where is this coming from? "well are you still taking bupropion?" Yes. "Ok, so you're still struggling with depression." WTF! I was pissed. Course, I was also in a ton of pain and didn't respond as well as I wish I had. I only said, "Yes, I still take bupropion but I don't think of myself as depressed." By the very next day I wish I had said something closer to "I take that to keep me even in an insane world, filled with injustice and horrors. I'm not depressed, I'm awake and human and I feel."
I'm still pretty irritated. The depression label feels unfair and negative. All the folks who aren't paying attention to what's happening in the world, who don't feel compassion or the pain of others - those are the ones who should be labeled and diagnosed as unwell. But here we are and this is currently(? always?) how the world works.
Take what you need to be balanced and healthy. To ache from beauty and cry at commercials. To function. The world needs more of us to feel. Feel everything. And, drugs can help us not drown in the undertow of those feelings. Drugs can help us feel and still function. Drugs can clear away some of the clutter to provide a more clear path to doing the other work, the therapy on various levels. I'm right there with you, sister.
Yes Jan!! I'm so sorry that was part of your ER experience (and hope you're feeling better). Mental health is still stigmatized in surprising ways, and it catches me off guard for the reasons you've described so well here. Thanks for sharing, and for your solidarity. I feel it
Thank you for your beautiful thoughts! I've dealt with depression, too, and have considered medication (my partner just asked me about it recently, so I'm taking it a bit more seriously.)
I've also written about my depression journey - have you read it already? I felt a lot of the things you just described, so maybe this will be encouraging:
"My heart! I have one again." WOW that made me teary eyed. Thank you for sharing. Repeating what has already been said, but you are SO cherished. I'm happy you're here and I'm so grateful for your writing. Thanks for sharing. ♥
Thank you Kimia! That sounds exciting
my journey with substance use, mental health, and medication has been an arduous one--to say the very least. i avoided medication with a fierceness for a while and did finally get medicated in early 2020. i'm not the most diligent about taking my medication and eventually the first med i got prescribed just stopped working the way i needed it to.
in march, i had a very debilitating ocd spiral alongside processing some extreme trauma i had gone through without even having time to process that what i went through *was* trauma. when my ocd gets bad so does my depression. so, after a frenzied call to my psychiatrist while at work i got new meds. i finally got a therapist. and things have finally gotten better. i have good days and i have bad days, but i'm able to see my way through the bad days in ways i hadn't before.
all this to say: i see you. i support you. and if you ever need an ear, i'm here to listen. navigating mental health is hard enough, nobody should have to do it alone. amazing work as always!!
Thank you Ari. Sending you hugs
I'd care.
Thanks for sharing - it helps.
BRB, crying in a good way now
so proud of you for sharing and yes, you are cherished (in case there’s any doubt!)
It took me years to seek help for depression. Once I did, I thought, “Hooray for drugs!” :-) They work.
Yes!! Hooray indeed
I'm glad you are feeling better. I'm glad you are here. We care.
<3
I'm proud of you & wishing you winter calm + comfort, dude! I know it's not that simple, but, my vibes remain.
p.s. I dug the new (to me, at least) header artwork
- jess
Thank you jess! That's exactly what I want. And wow, I'm stoked you like the new header. It's the little things these days
I was in ER on Friday night (Covid, GI issues). Pretty standard for them to go thru your med history but I was a bit surprised since I hadn't been part of this medical system for 5 years. Regardless, the nurse said something like, "so you still have depression" - more as a fact than a question. What? Where is this coming from? "well are you still taking bupropion?" Yes. "Ok, so you're still struggling with depression." WTF! I was pissed. Course, I was also in a ton of pain and didn't respond as well as I wish I had. I only said, "Yes, I still take bupropion but I don't think of myself as depressed." By the very next day I wish I had said something closer to "I take that to keep me even in an insane world, filled with injustice and horrors. I'm not depressed, I'm awake and human and I feel."
I'm still pretty irritated. The depression label feels unfair and negative. All the folks who aren't paying attention to what's happening in the world, who don't feel compassion or the pain of others - those are the ones who should be labeled and diagnosed as unwell. But here we are and this is currently(? always?) how the world works.
Take what you need to be balanced and healthy. To ache from beauty and cry at commercials. To function. The world needs more of us to feel. Feel everything. And, drugs can help us not drown in the undertow of those feelings. Drugs can help us feel and still function. Drugs can clear away some of the clutter to provide a more clear path to doing the other work, the therapy on various levels. I'm right there with you, sister.
Yes Jan!! I'm so sorry that was part of your ER experience (and hope you're feeling better). Mental health is still stigmatized in surprising ways, and it catches me off guard for the reasons you've described so well here. Thanks for sharing, and for your solidarity. I feel it
Thank you for your beautiful thoughts! I've dealt with depression, too, and have considered medication (my partner just asked me about it recently, so I'm taking it a bit more seriously.)
I've also written about my depression journey - have you read it already? I felt a lot of the things you just described, so maybe this will be encouraging:
https://zacharyroush.substack.com/p/dark-night-of-the-soul-in-second
Thank you Zach! I enjoyed that piece
thanks for reading 🙏🏻🙏🏻
"My heart! I have one again." WOW that made me teary eyed. Thank you for sharing. Repeating what has already been said, but you are SO cherished. I'm happy you're here and I'm so grateful for your writing. Thanks for sharing. ♥
Thanks Pam, that means a lot. I'm glad you're here too
So glad you are feeling better and love how you are further normalizing open discussions about mental health and medication!!
Thank you Surbhi 🥹