Talking about not talking

Perhaps we don’t always need words

Sometimes we already know the thing that we say we want to hash out. A desire to talk can, in my experience, mask a fear that we have our answer and, guess what? It’s not the one we wanted.

Words serve to confuse just as much as clarify. Think of the filibuster or the uncle who evades personal questions with another recounting of Family Guy. Nonverbal cues can provide, at times, much more.

My desire to verbally process is sometimes more about attention than substance. Setting a date to talk is itself evidence of time and care. I want to know you are thinking of me, my request says. And probably, once we arrive at the table, a hug will be enough.

Still, language is what we have. It’s what we’ve created to attempt to bridge inevitable gaps. It follows that I am at my most uncomfortable when without words.

Language is learned, and sometimes what we are told chafes against deeper knowings. How we experience love, care, and connection, for one.

It’s tempting to try to pin down relationships with talks and check-ins of, what are we? how are we doing? are we ok??? So much work to get to the same place as we would with just time and air.

It feels nice to let people surprise us. Welcoming connection and staying mindful of the desire to categorize. Often, categories create false certainty in a world of shifting unknowns. As a recent tarot reading explained, Everything in the material world is a reflection of your interior. We attract what we already have, etc.

I guess the takeaway is, there are many paths to reaching the same answer. We have the choice of how we spend our energy and whether to bring another person in. The more painful the truth, the longer it takes to find it. But we can, and we will, if we want to.

I’m writing this on election day in the U.S. amidst anxious pollsters and journalists attempting to provide clarity through data. A lot of it can feel like more noise. Call me an idealist but, I’d rather not play a game. I vote based on my values and a healthy dose of pragmatism given our overwhelmingly two-party system. And I vote for Democrats despite the untruths they tell us about Gaza, their economic conflicts, and our democracy.

I believe we can all do better for ourselves and one another the more we root down. No human is born evil, though some have a much rockier path ahead.

It’s been hard to find words recently, and that’s okay. Be safe, everyone. I’d give you a hug if I could.