Some thoughts I had while falling behind on work
+ reading recs + ski report
On the one hand, we are told to be kind to ourselves. To write the words ‘radical acceptance’ on a post-it note and place it by the mirror. To speak daily affirmations like I am good, I am worthy, I am powerful.
Then again, we are also told to optimize. We only get four thousand weeks so better make the most of them. We are told to get a handle on our attention spans and buy software to lock up our phones. Barack Obama, girlboss of the White House, selected his outfits the night before and ate seven almonds when he needed a snack. Control what you can and maybe you, too, can hold actual power.
When my brain doesn’t work on the timeline that I want, I vacillate between the two things. The it’s not my fault, radical acceptance, I am perfect just the way I am vs. I need to improve myself, this is all my fault, I clearly haven’t figured out how to hack myself yet. Either side isn’t necessarily right or wrong, but it would be easier, and less painful, if I could choose.
One problem is that my brain lacks situational awareness. It has no real sense of where it stands compared to other brains. There are test scores, sure; but we know their unreliability. My brain accepts that it was given time and resources in its early development to learn how to be good at tests.
And then there is the sheer amount of knowledge in the world. My brain lacks so much understanding, it would be futile to list it. Each time my brain meets a brain that was raised differently, or that spends time doing different things, it gasps in recognition of yet more new terrain.
My brain will find something interesting in whatever it studies if it stays there for long enough. It might be five feet from the rim of the grand canyon yet become fixed on how the light hits a pinyon’s gnarled branch. When asked what it thought of the grand canyon, it might be unable to answer, having not noticed the gaping hole in the earth.
In that way it struggles to recognize comparative importance and draw lines to separate one idea from another. How can you draw a line when everything, at its core, is connected? How can you see the grand canyon, really see it, without spending your whole life studying each pinyon that clings to the red cliff?
The most compassionate thing I can do is better understand how my mind works. Take time to observe the wild creature that it is. I want to collaborate more and stop trying to bend it to my will. I don’t wish to whip it just to get to the next place on someone else’s schedule.
In dreams, I see a world beyond drawn lines. Grant-funded travel for observing the light on the trees. Gentle listening and harsh breath on a grueling section of a climb. Mentorship and communal meals and just enough for what we need. An expansive definition of we.
To be part of the world is to search for a place in it; my brain still wonders where it can best be of use. I’m learning to pay attention to it as the highest form of love. To be curious rather than critical. To give thanks and a nudge rather than shame. Sometimes when the outside world feels too constrictive, the kindest thing I can do is take a break.
Recent reading:
—> I’ve been rediscovering flash fiction and the wigleaf archives; this story, by Sergey Gerasimov, has stuck for a week or so now. Plus, the 2025 contest winner by Mizuki Yamamoto in SmokeLong Quarterly.
—> Erin Williams on the cost of calling a relational preference an identity. This was an impactful read, and fun to find a new-to-me writer on substack who lights a conceptual spark.
—> Cody Cook-Parrott’s latest book, The Practice of Attention, which was a partial inspiration for this piece. I miss Cody’s newsletter, and so far the book is a helpful guide and companion as I attempt to better understand my mind. Highly recommend the read.
Recent viewing:
Below the paywall, I’ve included photos from a recent trip wherein friends and I, alongside 700 others, dressed in costume and skied 28 kilometers. Like a lot of activities up here, it was silly and grueling and fun.
The cover photo for this post is by Jovell Rennie from recent documentation of the writer at work. More to come.
Take care,
Julia