Eulogy for a roll of film

It's August and I'm mourning

Today’s post features film by Meneka, whose roll came out beautifully.

I’ll never know exactly what I’d captured. A dog on the bluff. Two women at a picnic table. Fields of fireweed, a river, the bride with her caribou.

Something is wrong with this film, my photographer friend said. It came back completely blank, not even the rebate borders are visible.

I was told not to read too much into it. We knew it was an experimental roll and took a risk in how we developed it. But the silver washed off completely, leaving nothing.

When I think of what was there, I imagine photos of people and things that were never mine. A fleeting friend group dissolving in the wind. Early stages romance, the first walk on the bluff.

People leave but at least I’d captured it. I’d made something beautiful out of what I could.

This time last year, I wrote about losing my favorite ring. August is polarizing, and I’m beginning to think I know why.

August demands nostalgia. It reminds you that summer is almost over. It asks you to look back and assess whether you did what you wanted with this short and sweet season. As dramatic as it sounds, when I first heard that I’d lost the camera roll, I felt as though I’d also lost the past two months of my life.

Shooting film is inherently risky. Part of its power is the relinquishment of control in the hopes of achieving something more beautiful than what the eye can see. There’s always the possibility we’ll lose those precious images we thought were there.

What I have are memories. The act of being present enough to take out my camera and frame a shot. Setting the timer and stepping onto the bridge overlooking the railroad tracks on a hot day at Ship Creek.

Eulogies can offer comfort to the mourners. I remind myself that, even when the roll comes back perfect, the pictures are never as I remembered. We don’t always achieve what we hoped.

Football with Jovell in Valley of the Moon park.

In other news…

I’m enjoying Substack Notes. It’s where I share quotes from other writers, like this from my birthday twin

Jill

:

Or otherwise attempt humor, like here.

And people really loved this one of a bunch of stacks of books in my house:

Anyway, come find me there. In the meantime, please pour one out for the lost camera roll. She was a beauty, no doubt.

Cheers,

Julia

Portrait of the photographer who smugly thought she would see what lies within that camera. Credit: Meneka Thiru.